Hi, my name is Tara. I watch The Bachelor. I’m not proud of it, but I’m so addicted…ehr, um..I mean… I enjoy the show so much.
I record it to ensure I don’t miss one sleazy moment. Sometimes I’ll watch an episode twice. In the recovery community, we call this hitting bottom. When I first started watching The Bachelor, I told people I enjoyed observing the psychological aspects. We call that denial. I once had a panic attack because an episode didn’t get recorded during a storm. That’s withdrawal. I’ve begun watching the newest season, The Bachelor in Paradise. That, my friends, is relapse.
…The first step is admitting it.
I have, however, learned some very important life lessons watching The Bachelor. I’m going to share with you a few of the social gems I’ve picked up along the way.
1. There are 6,372 levels of relational connection defined within the dating construct.
2. The depth of a woman’s tan is in direct proportion to the length of time she’s allowed to lock herself in the bathroom crying.
3. Adult males no longer grow body hair.
4. A proper break up should always be followed by a sweet limo ride.
5. Men expose more cleavage than their female counterparts 38% of the time.
6. Telling a bold faced lie is completely appropriate if telling the truth is in any way uncomfortable.
7. Ambiguity is key if discussing shameful behavior or wanting to exagerate a non-event, i.e. “Yeah, we hooked up”.
8. Will you accept this rose? is the adult equivalent to grade school note passing “Do you like me? yes no”.
9. It is essential to keep one’s story straight when dating three men who share the same bedroom.
10. If by the second date, a woman is unsure if she wants to marry, she obviously has a commitment issue.
11. Group dates are awkward. Be patient, the herd will thin.
12. The ratio of adult beverages to emergency room visits is the same as hair extensions to crying jags.
13. Backstabbing chatter is an aphrodisiac for men with biceps bigger than my head.
14. If one is going to display emotions disproportionate to the situation, really, really work it.
So, now you know! Don’t say I never gave you anything.
With all this essential info, it’s so strange more marriages don’t last. Will you accept this rose?