Many years ago, I was struggling to set my world upright after a devastating emotional earthquake and the relational aftershocks. As the flashbacks of abuse came like a foreign invader into my world, I didn’t know who to trust. Or, how to trust. As I worked with a counselor to steady myself, I found my capacity to perceive my experiences were not 20/20. My counselor was kind, patient, and skilled at knowing how to reset my equilibrium. She once gave me this homework: Whatever you would ...read more
When Shame is Protective
Most of my life was spent marinating in shame. It felt like part of my genetic makeup. Shame held my head underwater and told me to resign to my fate, to stop fighting. Shame left me feeling my very personhood was flawed. At a very young age, I remember telling an adult about the sexual abuse I was suffering. I didn’t know the words sexual or abuse but said what I could in my best seven-year-old language. The person I told should have protected the very vulnerable little me. Instead, the ...read more
Is It Time For A Relational Upgrade?
The appliances in my kitchen are 24 years old. I've decided new appliances now ensures a reasonable price rather than buying in a melting emergency when the refrigerator eventually and inevitably buys the farm. The sales guy shows me dishwashers that scrub stemware in billowy diamond suds and a refrigerator that lands the space shuttle while keeping food cold. After 20 minutes of my continual, “I don’t think I need it to do that,” I can sense his defeat. To give you an idea of the level of ...read more
Crazy is Easier
When clients first visit with me they often ask, “Am I crazy?” They are asking the question in all seriousness. They’ll tell me more of their story and ask again, “Am I crazy? You’d tell me, right?” For some, the question is asked because the choices they’ve made seem utterly unreasonable. The things they’ve done to themselves seem outrageous and irrational. For others, the things that have been done to them are truly unbelievable. My response over and over is, “You’re not crazy, you’re ...read more
What Christians Need to Know
Many years ago I went to see a pastor in the depth of my despair. As my life bottomed out, I needed help freeing myself from the pain and shame of years of childhood abuse. I tried to explain I had been sexually abused as a little girl. The pastor’s first question was, “was there penetration?” Then, I tried to explain the flashbacks and was told, “the devil is talking to you”. This, my friends, is Exhibit A in the “Not At All Helpful” category. I don’t believe Christian ministry leaders ...read more