Something I help clients learn is how to utilize the phrase, “what I make up about that is.....” Much of what we think and say is “made up”. The stories we make up aren’t about lying. Lying has a different intention. The stories we make up are about how we have filled in the blanks. The difficulty is we present these details as fact. They aren’t. They are truly “what we make up”. It can seem reasonable because we are very familiar with a specific historical pattern. So, we make the ...read more
Sand, S’mores, and Sunglasses (at night)
Every summer I spend two weeks on the coast. Most years, a friend will join me for the first week. The rest of the vacation it’s just me, waves, whales, and an abundant supply of audiobooks. One night during last year’s vacation it was late and my friend and I were the only two left on the beach as we were drowning out our fire to head back to the car. Two men walked out from behind a bend in the rocks and were approaching. We convinced ourselves (rather quickly, I might add) that we were ...read more
The Stories We Make Up (or How to Screw Up Relationships)
I have a wonderful dogsitter named Bonnie. She takes my two little furry nuggets on walks, lets them out to potty, and when she’s at the house for extended periods, she does dishes, makes the bed, and takes out the trash. She’s pretty fantastic and everyone should have a Bonnie. Recently, I walked into the house after work and she still happened to be there. We made small talk as she sat down on the couch. Her face was very serious and her tentative body language said something was ...read more
Testing Friends (or Why Am I So Self-Centered)
Jeff and Nancy are dear friends of mine. We’ve been friends for nearly a decade. We met as co-workers and have become closer in the years after my leaving our mutual employer. But, friendship isn’t easy. I’m not easy. A while back, I invited Jeff and Nancy over for dinner. They decided they’d bring Chinese takeout and meet me at my place the next night around 6:00. The next day, I’m between clients and I get a text from Jeff. He and Nancy are at my house, and wondering how far away I ...read more
Victimization and Finding True North
Many years ago, I was struggling to set my world upright after a devastating emotional earthquake and the relational aftershocks. As the flashbacks of abuse came like a foreign invader into my world, I didn’t know who to trust. Or, how to trust. As I worked with a counselor to steady myself, I found my capacity to perceive my experiences were not 20/20. My counselor was kind, patient, and skilled at knowing how to reset my equilibrium. She once gave me this homework: Whatever you would ...read more
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